Today was my last football game to attend as a student. I enjoyed every second of it. In fact, it is the happiest I have been in a few weeks. My friends were around me to make me smile, my sister was there to experience it with me, the weather was perfect, and the student section was LOUD. It doesn't get much better for me.
Note however, that I said it is the happiest I have been in weeks. Now I guess the question to ask is why. Why have I been unhappy? One of my friends and my sister can tell you the kind of texts I send them from time to time. They include "I give up" "I'm obviously not good enough" "What is wrong with me?" and etc. Every time I feel like I've caught a break, it ends up not working out.
Anyone else remember that song by Cheap Trick, I Want You to Want Me? Yes, I know... a bit of a stupid song, but I feel as though I have been feeling the way the lyrics of the chorus describe: wanting to be wanted, needing to be needed, loving to be loved. When I sat down to write this post, I had to force myself to really figure out what has been causing my sadness. And I think I may have pinned it down. I do not feel wanted by anyone, meaning yes I know I have friends, but I don't feel as though there is anyone that misses me on a daily basis or wants to see me on a daily basis. Meaning I do not feel as though I am making a difference in the life of anyone. Quite frankly, I don't feel as if I am of significance to anyone that I am not related to or that is above the age of 6.
What have I done to deal with my sadness? Well, complain to my poor sister for one thing, and she has been nothing but gracious when hearing my complaints. Also, I am really, really good at acting like I am fine. Save for my sister and a close friend, everyone else thinks I am fine. Why? Because I tell them I am fine. I tell them life is great, school keeps me busy, and I work out in my free time. Truth is, I don't have anything to complain about in my life, school is winding down and Christmas break is around the corner. This is a bit saddening for me because I know I won't be on campus as often next semester due to student teaching... so perhaps this contributes to how I feel. But honestly, I can deal with it. Working out always makes me feel better.... which may explain why I have run 15 miles in the past three days. But, I have not been alone in a very long time. I have not learned to love myself for just being me. I gauge my happiness based on the amount of texts I get in a day or the number of invites I get for weekend plans, which I can humbly say are few. So I will say that as petty as it is, my popularity has defined my happiness, rather than how I feel about myself. So I will admit that I am down. Maybe it just takes some getting used to, I don't know. But what I do know is that the attachment I have to my phone is something I am going to work on. If I wasn't checking it every five minutes I could enjoy life and not be upset by the texts that aren't there. I am on a search to define me. And that I will do. No matter what it takes, I will be okay with being on my own, as I step into a new phase of my life.
Pretty lady, I think you and I have a lot more in common than we realize. I think I can kind of relate to what you are going through, and I can promise that the first step of feeling better really is recognizing things you need to work on. You are LOVED by so many, you are beautiful inside and out, and I promise you will make it out from this. Continue to talk about everything on your mind and don't feel like you are annoying your sister (that is her job and one day she will need you for the same thing!). Let's go get coffee and chat soon. Love you, smile. I am reading Jane Eyre right now and this passage really seems to help me when I am feeling down
ReplyDelete"it is hard work to control the workings of inclination and turn the bent of nature; but that it may be done. God has given us, in a measure, the power to make our own fate; and when our energies seem to demand a sustenance they cannot get- when our will strains after a path we may not follow- we need not stand still in despair:
We have but to seek another nourishment for the mind"
xoxx Kelly Silvestri
Katy,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your writing is beautiful. Authentic. Real. Vulnerable. It takes courage to write what you did and I want to encourage you to continue to find your identity apart from all of the things that have defined you so far. God took me through a similar journey in college and it was one of the hardest but freeing times of my life. My prayer for you is that you find your identity in Christ alone, in the One who loves you more than any person on this planet could dream of loving you. Let Him tell you who you are, it willl complety change your life when you start believing it. I will be praying for you.
Jessica