I have been dealing with a great amount of grief, guilt, pain, loneliness, and sorrow this week. I feel like crying every time I am not around people. Though this has been very tough, I have been so touched by the amount of support people have extended. Friends from school have been so kind. They haven't cringed when they see my tears, but rather offer kindness and words of encouragement. My mom and my sister have been there every time I call or text to listen to me cry, doubt, complain, or when I just feel alone. Even people that I had no idea cared or those that I haven't heard from in a while extended compassion. Though my decision that has caused me so much pain may not be a choice that people understand nor agree with, everyone has been so wonderful. I don't know that I would've made it through this week without those who have showed they care.
I am someone who can easily fall into depression. I have to keep myself busy so that I don't sit around and think about what is upsetting me. When I am upset, I am never hungry. This is a dangerous thing for a recovered anorexic because when I'm not hungry I don't eat and when I don't eat I lose weight, which brings feelings of satisfaction for the anorexic tendencies that still vacate places in my mind. Needless to say, I have been running myself into exhaustion just to keep my emotions in check. To be honest, this week has been hard and has sucked. So why have I done this to myself? I feel like I have lost my sanity. Why would I made a decision that has brought about so many negative feelings? I'm freaking out. I know that this decision was the right one for me, but it is hard to remember when I am so sad. I wasn't ready for the future in which I was headed, no matter how hard I tried to be or wanted to be. And yes, I feel like a terrible person for it, but I am just not ready to be where my past circumstance was leading me.
The words I'm sorry feel like a pathetic, meaningless way to try to make up for the decision I made. Especially when the one I hurt is the most wonderful person I could ever know. Perhaps, its that I am not worthy of such a wonderful person. Or maybe, it is God telling me that there will be a time for that again but it isn't now. I'm scared. I want to fix it. But I can't. Only God can heal me, and the one I've hurt so much. The verse Psalm 119:50 has been a great comfort to me. It says, My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Yoga has reminded me to breath even when it hurts the worst. Running has helped me sweat out my tears, AND I RUN UNTIL I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRYING ANYMORE. I know healing takes time and that it is hard to be patient in the beginning but I believe that God will heal me in time. Tears will turn into smiles. Eventually.
And, my biggest reason for writing this post is to say THANK YOU. Thank you so much to my friends that have tried to keep me from being alone. Thank you to those that took a minute out of your day to think of me even if we haven't talked in a while. Thank you to those that were kind when they had no reason to be. I love you all and honestly think I would be in the sunken hole of depression into which I so easily fall if it weren't for all of you.
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