Most of my blogs up to this point have been on subjects that are harder for me to share, but this one will be quite different. Different because I love my mom. Different because she is my best friend. Different because I am who I am today based greatly on much that I have learned from her.
Though anyone that knew my mom at my age will say that she was everything entirely opposite of who I am, she is now the one that I can relate to most. Her deep southern accent is the butt of a lot of jokes, but she would not be her without it. Her laugh, or chuckle rather, is not able to be imitated. It is irreplaceable and something that I know I will long to hear once she is no longer around. She is the woman that religiously drove me to and from all of my dance classes and was my biggest supporter. When my self esteem is low, she is the one that crushes the nonsense that comes from my mouth. She is the one that showed me what unconditional love is through example. My values and morals have been formed from the exposure to Christ that she provided to me at such an early age. No matter what I do, I know I will never ever lose her love.
Now that I have evoked tears from the eyes of my female readers, I can tell you a few of the things that I have learned from my mom. I hope they give you a good laugh, especially to those who know my incredible mom.
Lesson #1
Music from the 70s is irreplaceable, especially that of the rock genre.
(I have been listening to Lynard Skinnard, Rod Stewart, The Doors, The Doobie Brothers, and etc. since before I could talk. Not only have I listened to it, my mom made sure I listened to it the right way... LOUD. AND my first concert ever was Rod Stewart. Yes I was the youngest attendee and I knew every word to every song.)
Lesson #2
Embarrassment is only a state of mind.
This lesson entails a few examples to reinforce my point.
Ex: Dancing like a fool (aka: doing the robot, dougie, and etc.) in front of others is not embarrassing, it brings laughter to everyone who sees.
Ex: Staring someone down in the store because you think you know them is not embarrassing, it either reunites you with an old friend or makes you a new one.
Lesson #3
Being friendly never hurt anyone, and asking others for help (even complete strangers) saves a lot of time.
(This includes asking old women if they think your daughter looks "cute" in the jeans she has just tried on, asking where a product is even when you butcher the pronunciation, and telling jokes to people you don't know and then laughing so hard they can't help but laugh.)
Lesson #4
Chocolate, candy, and any other type of sweet is acceptable at any time of day, despite what nutritionists may tell you.
(Ice cream is full of calcium, chocolate is good for your heart, and sweets in general make people happier)
Lesson #5
Being a home body is nothing to be ashamed of.
(What is better than sleeping in your own bed, lounging in your most comfortable clothes, and munching on your favorite foods?)
Lesson #6
Talking to animals is totally normal, of course they understand you and love you more for it.
These are but a small sampling of the lessons I have learned from my mom, and yes they are on the funny side. She has also taught me many life lessons that have made me a better person, a good friend, and one day a great mom. I love her more than words can express. I hope that anyone that reads this is fortunate to have met her or will meet her one day.
For now, that's all I have to say. Enjoy, and may your relationships with your parents be blessed and as memorable as mine.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The Ending of a Chapter
It has been quite a while since I have taken the time to sit down and write what's been going on in my head. So here goes...
Today was my last football game to attend as a student. I enjoyed every second of it. In fact, it is the happiest I have been in a few weeks. My friends were around me to make me smile, my sister was there to experience it with me, the weather was perfect, and the student section was LOUD. It doesn't get much better for me.
Note however, that I said it is the happiest I have been in weeks. Now I guess the question to ask is why. Why have I been unhappy? One of my friends and my sister can tell you the kind of texts I send them from time to time. They include "I give up" "I'm obviously not good enough" "What is wrong with me?" and etc. Every time I feel like I've caught a break, it ends up not working out.
Anyone else remember that song by Cheap Trick, I Want You to Want Me? Yes, I know... a bit of a stupid song, but I feel as though I have been feeling the way the lyrics of the chorus describe: wanting to be wanted, needing to be needed, loving to be loved. When I sat down to write this post, I had to force myself to really figure out what has been causing my sadness. And I think I may have pinned it down. I do not feel wanted by anyone, meaning yes I know I have friends, but I don't feel as though there is anyone that misses me on a daily basis or wants to see me on a daily basis. Meaning I do not feel as though I am making a difference in the life of anyone. Quite frankly, I don't feel as if I am of significance to anyone that I am not related to or that is above the age of 6.
What have I done to deal with my sadness? Well, complain to my poor sister for one thing, and she has been nothing but gracious when hearing my complaints. Also, I am really, really good at acting like I am fine. Save for my sister and a close friend, everyone else thinks I am fine. Why? Because I tell them I am fine. I tell them life is great, school keeps me busy, and I work out in my free time. Truth is, I don't have anything to complain about in my life, school is winding down and Christmas break is around the corner. This is a bit saddening for me because I know I won't be on campus as often next semester due to student teaching... so perhaps this contributes to how I feel. But honestly, I can deal with it. Working out always makes me feel better.... which may explain why I have run 15 miles in the past three days. But, I have not been alone in a very long time. I have not learned to love myself for just being me. I gauge my happiness based on the amount of texts I get in a day or the number of invites I get for weekend plans, which I can humbly say are few. So I will say that as petty as it is, my popularity has defined my happiness, rather than how I feel about myself. So I will admit that I am down. Maybe it just takes some getting used to, I don't know. But what I do know is that the attachment I have to my phone is something I am going to work on. If I wasn't checking it every five minutes I could enjoy life and not be upset by the texts that aren't there. I am on a search to define me. And that I will do. No matter what it takes, I will be okay with being on my own, as I step into a new phase of my life.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
i might be losing my mind
I have been dealing with a great amount of grief, guilt, pain, loneliness, and sorrow this week. I feel like crying every time I am not around people. Though this has been very tough, I have been so touched by the amount of support people have extended. Friends from school have been so kind. They haven't cringed when they see my tears, but rather offer kindness and words of encouragement. My mom and my sister have been there every time I call or text to listen to me cry, doubt, complain, or when I just feel alone. Even people that I had no idea cared or those that I haven't heard from in a while extended compassion. Though my decision that has caused me so much pain may not be a choice that people understand nor agree with, everyone has been so wonderful. I don't know that I would've made it through this week without those who have showed they care.
I am someone who can easily fall into depression. I have to keep myself busy so that I don't sit around and think about what is upsetting me. When I am upset, I am never hungry. This is a dangerous thing for a recovered anorexic because when I'm not hungry I don't eat and when I don't eat I lose weight, which brings feelings of satisfaction for the anorexic tendencies that still vacate places in my mind. Needless to say, I have been running myself into exhaustion just to keep my emotions in check. To be honest, this week has been hard and has sucked. So why have I done this to myself? I feel like I have lost my sanity. Why would I made a decision that has brought about so many negative feelings? I'm freaking out. I know that this decision was the right one for me, but it is hard to remember when I am so sad. I wasn't ready for the future in which I was headed, no matter how hard I tried to be or wanted to be. And yes, I feel like a terrible person for it, but I am just not ready to be where my past circumstance was leading me.
The words I'm sorry feel like a pathetic, meaningless way to try to make up for the decision I made. Especially when the one I hurt is the most wonderful person I could ever know. Perhaps, its that I am not worthy of such a wonderful person. Or maybe, it is God telling me that there will be a time for that again but it isn't now. I'm scared. I want to fix it. But I can't. Only God can heal me, and the one I've hurt so much. The verse Psalm 119:50 has been a great comfort to me. It says, My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Yoga has reminded me to breath even when it hurts the worst. Running has helped me sweat out my tears, AND I RUN UNTIL I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRYING ANYMORE. I know healing takes time and that it is hard to be patient in the beginning but I believe that God will heal me in time. Tears will turn into smiles. Eventually.
And, my biggest reason for writing this post is to say THANK YOU. Thank you so much to my friends that have tried to keep me from being alone. Thank you to those that took a minute out of your day to think of me even if we haven't talked in a while. Thank you to those that were kind when they had no reason to be. I love you all and honestly think I would be in the sunken hole of depression into which I so easily fall if it weren't for all of you.
I am someone who can easily fall into depression. I have to keep myself busy so that I don't sit around and think about what is upsetting me. When I am upset, I am never hungry. This is a dangerous thing for a recovered anorexic because when I'm not hungry I don't eat and when I don't eat I lose weight, which brings feelings of satisfaction for the anorexic tendencies that still vacate places in my mind. Needless to say, I have been running myself into exhaustion just to keep my emotions in check. To be honest, this week has been hard and has sucked. So why have I done this to myself? I feel like I have lost my sanity. Why would I made a decision that has brought about so many negative feelings? I'm freaking out. I know that this decision was the right one for me, but it is hard to remember when I am so sad. I wasn't ready for the future in which I was headed, no matter how hard I tried to be or wanted to be. And yes, I feel like a terrible person for it, but I am just not ready to be where my past circumstance was leading me.
The words I'm sorry feel like a pathetic, meaningless way to try to make up for the decision I made. Especially when the one I hurt is the most wonderful person I could ever know. Perhaps, its that I am not worthy of such a wonderful person. Or maybe, it is God telling me that there will be a time for that again but it isn't now. I'm scared. I want to fix it. But I can't. Only God can heal me, and the one I've hurt so much. The verse Psalm 119:50 has been a great comfort to me. It says, My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Yoga has reminded me to breath even when it hurts the worst. Running has helped me sweat out my tears, AND I RUN UNTIL I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRYING ANYMORE. I know healing takes time and that it is hard to be patient in the beginning but I believe that God will heal me in time. Tears will turn into smiles. Eventually.
And, my biggest reason for writing this post is to say THANK YOU. Thank you so much to my friends that have tried to keep me from being alone. Thank you to those that took a minute out of your day to think of me even if we haven't talked in a while. Thank you to those that were kind when they had no reason to be. I love you all and honestly think I would be in the sunken hole of depression into which I so easily fall if it weren't for all of you.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Long Time Coming
Well, I've been slacking on blogging the past few weeks. However, with the upcoming week ahead of me, there is much I have to say. For those that aren't aware, Monday marks my last first day as a student. Sure once I graduate in May as a teacher I will have dozens more first days of school, but never again as a student. Excited? Yes. Scared? Yes, well more like flipping out. This fall semester will consist of me taking 19 hours, in other words.... I am going to be a zombie for almost 5 months. But, it is my last semester of classes so I know I can do it. When spring rolls around, I will be student teaching. Two words sum up my feelings for student teaching... What? Already? Yes. I am soon to be responsible for educating young minds, don't worry my panic attack is only mild right now.
Anyway, one of my yoga teachers has been stressing the fact that we as humans tend to go numb. We do this in different areas of our life. We go numb to shut out feelings, whether they be joy (because we think we don't deserve it), fear, anger, sadness, or stress. This is a learned thing for people in society. The mentality, "If I don't let myself feel it, it isn't a problem. It will go away." WRONG. Let me bear witness that I have been numbing myself toward several areas of my life because I didn't (and still don't completely) want to deal with the emotions that coincide with thinking about such areas. I won't bore you with all numb areas I have been dealing with, but I will give an example.
As I said before, I am excited about being a senior in college and finally making it to the end of a big chapter in my life. However, I'm scared to death. After I graduate I have to get a job, start paying all my bills, find my own place to live, become an adult. I know that this is a natural process in life that everyone goes through, and it is not that I think that I can't do it, because I can. But, it is sad. My mom is my best friend, I love being at home with my family. I enjoy cooking dinner for them on weekends and sleeping across the hall from my sister. Not to say once I graduate that I can't do all this from time to time, but it will be different. I am not a fan of change and when change approaches, it takes me a while to finally accept it.
So, I subconciously made the decision not to think about any of it. When people would ask if I am excited about graduating, I would say yes and change subjects. I didn't want to talk about it. Thanks to my yoga teacher confronting the class week after week about feeling and searching for the areas in our lives that we have numbed, it finally hit me. I'm in denial about the new chapter that is upcoming in my life. When I got in my car after class this past week, I let myself feel all the emotions that I have been swallowing for so long. And, I cried. I cried for a good ten minutes. And I felt better. When I went to bed last night, I cried some more. But, I cried because I needed to. Not because I am weak as I have let myself believe most of my life and not because I am sad about the exciting year I have ahead. But because when I was finally willing to choke up the emotions I was numbing myself to, they needed to come out. So, cry I did. And I'm not the least bit ashamed for telling you that I did, and probably will again.
Not only did facing what I needed to in my life make me feel better emotionally, but physically I felt better as well. I have had a dagger-like pain in my back underneath one of my shoulder blade for weeks. I stretched it in yoga, got a massage, ran mile after mile to loosen it up, and took days off to allow it to relax. Didn't matter what I did, the pain wouldn't go away. Ironically, as soon as I let myself cry and feel, that pain went away. I feel it was God's way of telling me to meet him in prayer, trust Him, and know that I had to live my life truthfully rather than hiding away aspects I wasn't ready to deal with.
I am in no way perfect and far from being at piece with every area in my life, but I wanted to share this with you in hopes that if you read this and are having some places in your life that you just choose not to feel that you would WAKE UP those emotions and face them. Cry if you have to, Scream if you need to, do whatever it is to let those emotions be felt so that you can begin to feel better. I share personal things in complete humility, knowing that I do not know everything (or anything even close to everything) but because I hope to influence others positively the way I have been blessed to be.
Anyway, one of my yoga teachers has been stressing the fact that we as humans tend to go numb. We do this in different areas of our life. We go numb to shut out feelings, whether they be joy (because we think we don't deserve it), fear, anger, sadness, or stress. This is a learned thing for people in society. The mentality, "If I don't let myself feel it, it isn't a problem. It will go away." WRONG. Let me bear witness that I have been numbing myself toward several areas of my life because I didn't (and still don't completely) want to deal with the emotions that coincide with thinking about such areas. I won't bore you with all numb areas I have been dealing with, but I will give an example.
As I said before, I am excited about being a senior in college and finally making it to the end of a big chapter in my life. However, I'm scared to death. After I graduate I have to get a job, start paying all my bills, find my own place to live, become an adult. I know that this is a natural process in life that everyone goes through, and it is not that I think that I can't do it, because I can. But, it is sad. My mom is my best friend, I love being at home with my family. I enjoy cooking dinner for them on weekends and sleeping across the hall from my sister. Not to say once I graduate that I can't do all this from time to time, but it will be different. I am not a fan of change and when change approaches, it takes me a while to finally accept it.
So, I subconciously made the decision not to think about any of it. When people would ask if I am excited about graduating, I would say yes and change subjects. I didn't want to talk about it. Thanks to my yoga teacher confronting the class week after week about feeling and searching for the areas in our lives that we have numbed, it finally hit me. I'm in denial about the new chapter that is upcoming in my life. When I got in my car after class this past week, I let myself feel all the emotions that I have been swallowing for so long. And, I cried. I cried for a good ten minutes. And I felt better. When I went to bed last night, I cried some more. But, I cried because I needed to. Not because I am weak as I have let myself believe most of my life and not because I am sad about the exciting year I have ahead. But because when I was finally willing to choke up the emotions I was numbing myself to, they needed to come out. So, cry I did. And I'm not the least bit ashamed for telling you that I did, and probably will again.
Not only did facing what I needed to in my life make me feel better emotionally, but physically I felt better as well. I have had a dagger-like pain in my back underneath one of my shoulder blade for weeks. I stretched it in yoga, got a massage, ran mile after mile to loosen it up, and took days off to allow it to relax. Didn't matter what I did, the pain wouldn't go away. Ironically, as soon as I let myself cry and feel, that pain went away. I feel it was God's way of telling me to meet him in prayer, trust Him, and know that I had to live my life truthfully rather than hiding away aspects I wasn't ready to deal with.
I am in no way perfect and far from being at piece with every area in my life, but I wanted to share this with you in hopes that if you read this and are having some places in your life that you just choose not to feel that you would WAKE UP those emotions and face them. Cry if you have to, Scream if you need to, do whatever it is to let those emotions be felt so that you can begin to feel better. I share personal things in complete humility, knowing that I do not know everything (or anything even close to everything) but because I hope to influence others positively the way I have been blessed to be.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Wednesday Wonderings
Sometimes I catch myself stuck in thought. Today's thought came while sitting at Rivercrest Country Club watching the kids I'm babysitting. The kids I'm watching today are sweet. Not spoiled, not snobby. However, I look around at the kids surrounding us, and find myself being a bit judgemental. Designer everything, pulling up in the Mercedes, BMW, Audi, or what have you. Even those that can't drive are dropped off by parents driving such vehicles and the kids walk in like they own the place. I live with people that can afford the same lifestyle and yet they, nor their kids, act in such a self entitled way as the people I saw today.
The woman taking our lunch orders at the pool was so grateful just because the kids and I said thank you. She then went on to say how surprised I would be at how many people act as if she is not there (that is until an order is wrong, or service isn't as prompt as desired). To some extent, I wonder what my life would be like if I had the type of money that the people around me had. Making good grades probably wouldn't be such a big deal to me because I wouldn't need the scholarships I have now for academics so that I can make it through school. Having multiples jobs would be obselete because I wouldn't need to help pull my weight in my household nor would I need money to make a monthly car payment. When I think about how hard I have to work, I begin to envy these people's wealth. What I wouldn't give just to go to college, hassle free, only worrying about school. How nice it would be to have mom and dad pay for me to live in an apartment and pay for all my food.
But, then I think about the life I have. It is perfect for me and has made me the person I am today. The person with good, down to earth friends. The person that thinks about the future and wants to better myself because I don't want to work multiple jobs all my life. The person who loves her family and is best friends with my mom, without a doubt in my mind that they would do anything for me. I am the person I am because of the upbringing I was given. I feel that the kids that surrounded me today are also a result of their upbringing. Like the kids I am watching today, parents are responsible for teaching their kids to be polite, respect authority, and grateful of all they have been blessed with. I am around plenty of people every day that could be snobs by the amount of money they possess, but they aren't because they know that money does not make you better than anyone else.
So, when I see people that are unaware of how grateful they should be because of their comfort due to wealth, I get angry. When I was born, my dad had a job that would allow me to live the life of the people I saw today. But, he lost that job and then spent the next several years bouncing from company to company (not because he is not talented but because he has always been in the maintenance area of companies, which is the first to get cut when profits dwindle). Do I wish things would have turned out differently for me? Actually, no. It would be nice to buy anything I wanted when I walked in a store, but when I reflect on the person I am today because of the way my life is, I could not be more grateful.
I am on this rant today, not to be annoying, but to remind parents to raise their children to live with dignity, and to respect authority so that others will want to be around them and not be viewed as I viewed the kids today.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Throwing Away the Past
I have spent most of this week cleaning out my closet, dresser, and pantry. The decision to do this was not from my own motivation, but from my mother's constant nagging about how she couldn't take it anymore. While I understand that my mom's desire for cleanliness and orderliness is much more defined than most people, I did not think my closet was that bad. My thinking, "I know where everything is, the floor is clearly visible, all my dresser drawers shut... why must she constantly nag me about cleaning things out." After listening to her for a month, at least, I decided Monday was the day. I was just going to buckle down and get it over with. As I mentioned in my last post, I am one that likes challenges, and thankfully that causes me to do things well, anything done half hearted is not acceptable for me. So, clean I did.
Clearly I greatly under estimated how much stuff I had. First, I went through and took out all the clothes I haven't worn in months (some that haven't been worn in years). Two 40 gallon trashbags full of clothes later, I had succeeded in getting rid of everything I can't or don't wear, not to mention ridding my closet of at least 200 unnecessary hangers. At this point, I realized something. Keeping all of that stuff in my closet for so long had caused me to feel stuck, but I didn't even realize it until it was all gone. As I also mentioned in my last post, I have something that I struggle with daily, and that is my weight.
It has been an on going battle for me since middle school. Though dance was a hobby that I loved and excelled at, it also called for being thin. Now, I'm being honest with y'all. I am not built like a ballerina. I never had the thin, toothpick legs, narrow hips, or flat chest. My mom always told me it was a blessing because she could always recognize who I was during performances, but I found it to be a curse. I shed countless tears about how I didn't understand why God built me the way that he did yet allowed me to have such a passion and talent in dance. "You're beautiful," my mom would say. "You're an incredible dancer," my teachers would say. But none of that mattered to me. All I could hear is what I told myself. "You're too big. You look different. You're legs are too big. You're fat and need to lose weight," was the constant loop of negativity I let roll through my mind. So, I did something about it. I stopped eating, not completely but I had limited myself to far too few calories to truly be sustainable. Granola bar for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, side salad for dinner... every day. I would beat myself up for diversifying my food intake at all. "You shouldn't have eaten that handful of nuts or piece of candy... look at your stomach now." I weighed myself every day, multiple times a day. When my weight went down I was happy, if it went up at all, you did not want to be around me. I am 5'5" and weighed 105 at my skinniest. That number doesn't seem that low, but on me it looked scary. For over a year I lived this way. It was my sophomore year in high school and into my junior year. The only way I got better was a lot of love from my family and God humbling me by allowing my foot to break while dancing and keeping me out for 8 weeks.
Anyway, I tell you that not for sympathy, but to emphasize the relief I felt after finally cleaning out my closet. I finally threw out all the jeans and shorts that I will never fit back into because I will never be 105 pounds again. It was a relief to finally get rid of the stuff that I had during the time period when I was so depressed, and literally out of my mind. I still struggle with how I see myself and how much I weigh every day and if you were to talk to my sweet boyfriend he would probably still say that I'm out of my mind (because he gets to hear all about how I see myself and is affected by the mood swings I have based on my weight). But, I am not as bad as I used to be and I have family and close friends to thank for that.
So, if I have any encouragement for those of you struggling with whatever it is that burdens you, it is to get rid of all the stuff that was a part of your life when you were at your lowest. Without the constant reminder in your face every day, such as a pair of jeans I will never fit into and be healthy, the easier it is to heal and move on.
Clearly I greatly under estimated how much stuff I had. First, I went through and took out all the clothes I haven't worn in months (some that haven't been worn in years). Two 40 gallon trashbags full of clothes later, I had succeeded in getting rid of everything I can't or don't wear, not to mention ridding my closet of at least 200 unnecessary hangers. At this point, I realized something. Keeping all of that stuff in my closet for so long had caused me to feel stuck, but I didn't even realize it until it was all gone. As I also mentioned in my last post, I have something that I struggle with daily, and that is my weight.
It has been an on going battle for me since middle school. Though dance was a hobby that I loved and excelled at, it also called for being thin. Now, I'm being honest with y'all. I am not built like a ballerina. I never had the thin, toothpick legs, narrow hips, or flat chest. My mom always told me it was a blessing because she could always recognize who I was during performances, but I found it to be a curse. I shed countless tears about how I didn't understand why God built me the way that he did yet allowed me to have such a passion and talent in dance. "You're beautiful," my mom would say. "You're an incredible dancer," my teachers would say. But none of that mattered to me. All I could hear is what I told myself. "You're too big. You look different. You're legs are too big. You're fat and need to lose weight," was the constant loop of negativity I let roll through my mind. So, I did something about it. I stopped eating, not completely but I had limited myself to far too few calories to truly be sustainable. Granola bar for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, side salad for dinner... every day. I would beat myself up for diversifying my food intake at all. "You shouldn't have eaten that handful of nuts or piece of candy... look at your stomach now." I weighed myself every day, multiple times a day. When my weight went down I was happy, if it went up at all, you did not want to be around me. I am 5'5" and weighed 105 at my skinniest. That number doesn't seem that low, but on me it looked scary. For over a year I lived this way. It was my sophomore year in high school and into my junior year. The only way I got better was a lot of love from my family and God humbling me by allowing my foot to break while dancing and keeping me out for 8 weeks.
Anyway, I tell you that not for sympathy, but to emphasize the relief I felt after finally cleaning out my closet. I finally threw out all the jeans and shorts that I will never fit back into because I will never be 105 pounds again. It was a relief to finally get rid of the stuff that I had during the time period when I was so depressed, and literally out of my mind. I still struggle with how I see myself and how much I weigh every day and if you were to talk to my sweet boyfriend he would probably still say that I'm out of my mind (because he gets to hear all about how I see myself and is affected by the mood swings I have based on my weight). But, I am not as bad as I used to be and I have family and close friends to thank for that.
So, if I have any encouragement for those of you struggling with whatever it is that burdens you, it is to get rid of all the stuff that was a part of your life when you were at your lowest. Without the constant reminder in your face every day, such as a pair of jeans I will never fit into and be healthy, the easier it is to heal and move on.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Rolling with the Changes
I don't know that I consider myself a writer, but I find that I have become addicted to reading my friends' blogs and have come to the conclusion that writing one myself would be a good way to detox.
I have changed a lot over the past couple of years, but I guess everyone does once college years envelope us. I was a dancer from age 2 through my freshman year in college. To say that turning my once beloved hobby into a college major left a bad taste in my mouth would be an understatement. That being said, I felt there needed to be a change in my life while I still was able to see the beauty in dance and still had passion for it. Needless to say, I changed my major from dance to early childhood education and colleges from SMU to TCU. I have no doubt in my mind that TCU is where I am supposed to be for college and have felt that way from the moment I transferred. However, though happy about changing majors, I was now unsure of my identity. Everyone had always known me as Katy the dancer. Now who was I? Katy the student? It was the first time in my life that I was not doing the one thing I knew that I was exceptionally talented at. All I had to claim now was that I was a student. All the new people I would meet at TCU would know me as nothing more than a classmate and could only classify me as such. I found that this indeed turned into a huge identity crisis for me. I was not ready to accept the fact that I was indistinguishable from anyone else around me. So what could I do to make myself feel like I was different and something important that made me unique? I knew I liked to excercise [for those of you who don't know, dance requires much athleticism and strength and results in much sweat and hard work in order to excel] so I now needed to find something else to do since I no longer had the time to devote 16 hours a week to ballet classes.
I decided to give running a try, it couldn't be that hard right? Wrong. I went out for my first run with the goal of a mile. Knowing nothing about running, I started off way too fast and might have made it a quarter of a mile before sucking wind caused me to stop. Whether a good or bad trait, I like challenges, so I was not about to give up on running. I could tell you that I just kept at it until I was running mile after mile, no problem. This in a sense is true, but the picture painted by such phrases make it seem that it was an easy task. It wasn't. It was a long, hard process that totally sucked. But, when it comes to my ego and my fitness, I am not a quitter so I eventually did make it to the point where running became something I enjoyed and craved on a daily basis. And yes, the mileage did build, though it took me a good two years before even considering running a half marathon. I've done two and there will probably be more but I am happy to say that I feel comfortable identifying myself as a runner and am no longer wallowing in self pity about not being unique.
I will not try to fool you and act like I have everything together. I am far from it. I struggle in a particular area daily. But that is for another time. However, I do hope that this encourages anyone that may be struggling to find themselves that it is possible. Change is possible, even for someone who did the same thing from 18 years.
I have changed a lot over the past couple of years, but I guess everyone does once college years envelope us. I was a dancer from age 2 through my freshman year in college. To say that turning my once beloved hobby into a college major left a bad taste in my mouth would be an understatement. That being said, I felt there needed to be a change in my life while I still was able to see the beauty in dance and still had passion for it. Needless to say, I changed my major from dance to early childhood education and colleges from SMU to TCU. I have no doubt in my mind that TCU is where I am supposed to be for college and have felt that way from the moment I transferred. However, though happy about changing majors, I was now unsure of my identity. Everyone had always known me as Katy the dancer. Now who was I? Katy the student? It was the first time in my life that I was not doing the one thing I knew that I was exceptionally talented at. All I had to claim now was that I was a student. All the new people I would meet at TCU would know me as nothing more than a classmate and could only classify me as such. I found that this indeed turned into a huge identity crisis for me. I was not ready to accept the fact that I was indistinguishable from anyone else around me. So what could I do to make myself feel like I was different and something important that made me unique? I knew I liked to excercise [for those of you who don't know, dance requires much athleticism and strength and results in much sweat and hard work in order to excel] so I now needed to find something else to do since I no longer had the time to devote 16 hours a week to ballet classes.
I decided to give running a try, it couldn't be that hard right? Wrong. I went out for my first run with the goal of a mile. Knowing nothing about running, I started off way too fast and might have made it a quarter of a mile before sucking wind caused me to stop. Whether a good or bad trait, I like challenges, so I was not about to give up on running. I could tell you that I just kept at it until I was running mile after mile, no problem. This in a sense is true, but the picture painted by such phrases make it seem that it was an easy task. It wasn't. It was a long, hard process that totally sucked. But, when it comes to my ego and my fitness, I am not a quitter so I eventually did make it to the point where running became something I enjoyed and craved on a daily basis. And yes, the mileage did build, though it took me a good two years before even considering running a half marathon. I've done two and there will probably be more but I am happy to say that I feel comfortable identifying myself as a runner and am no longer wallowing in self pity about not being unique.
I will not try to fool you and act like I have everything together. I am far from it. I struggle in a particular area daily. But that is for another time. However, I do hope that this encourages anyone that may be struggling to find themselves that it is possible. Change is possible, even for someone who did the same thing from 18 years.
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