I have spent most of this week cleaning out my closet, dresser, and pantry. The decision to do this was not from my own motivation, but from my mother's constant nagging about how she couldn't take it anymore. While I understand that my mom's desire for cleanliness and orderliness is much more defined than most people, I did not think my closet was that bad. My thinking, "I know where everything is, the floor is clearly visible, all my dresser drawers shut... why must she constantly nag me about cleaning things out." After listening to her for a month, at least, I decided Monday was the day. I was just going to buckle down and get it over with. As I mentioned in my last post, I am one that likes challenges, and thankfully that causes me to do things well, anything done half hearted is not acceptable for me. So, clean I did.
Clearly I greatly under estimated how much stuff I had. First, I went through and took out all the clothes I haven't worn in months (some that haven't been worn in years). Two 40 gallon trashbags full of clothes later, I had succeeded in getting rid of everything I can't or don't wear, not to mention ridding my closet of at least 200 unnecessary hangers. At this point, I realized something. Keeping all of that stuff in my closet for so long had caused me to feel stuck, but I didn't even realize it until it was all gone. As I also mentioned in my last post, I have something that I struggle with daily, and that is my weight.
It has been an on going battle for me since middle school. Though dance was a hobby that I loved and excelled at, it also called for being thin. Now, I'm being honest with y'all. I am not built like a ballerina. I never had the thin, toothpick legs, narrow hips, or flat chest. My mom always told me it was a blessing because she could always recognize who I was during performances, but I found it to be a curse. I shed countless tears about how I didn't understand why God built me the way that he did yet allowed me to have such a passion and talent in dance. "You're beautiful," my mom would say. "You're an incredible dancer," my teachers would say. But none of that mattered to me. All I could hear is what I told myself. "You're too big. You look different. You're legs are too big. You're fat and need to lose weight," was the constant loop of negativity I let roll through my mind. So, I did something about it. I stopped eating, not completely but I had limited myself to far too few calories to truly be sustainable. Granola bar for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, side salad for dinner... every day. I would beat myself up for diversifying my food intake at all. "You shouldn't have eaten that handful of nuts or piece of candy... look at your stomach now." I weighed myself every day, multiple times a day. When my weight went down I was happy, if it went up at all, you did not want to be around me. I am 5'5" and weighed 105 at my skinniest. That number doesn't seem that low, but on me it looked scary. For over a year I lived this way. It was my sophomore year in high school and into my junior year. The only way I got better was a lot of love from my family and God humbling me by allowing my foot to break while dancing and keeping me out for 8 weeks.
Anyway, I tell you that not for sympathy, but to emphasize the relief I felt after finally cleaning out my closet. I finally threw out all the jeans and shorts that I will never fit back into because I will never be 105 pounds again. It was a relief to finally get rid of the stuff that I had during the time period when I was so depressed, and literally out of my mind. I still struggle with how I see myself and how much I weigh every day and if you were to talk to my sweet boyfriend he would probably still say that I'm out of my mind (because he gets to hear all about how I see myself and is affected by the mood swings I have based on my weight). But, I am not as bad as I used to be and I have family and close friends to thank for that.
So, if I have any encouragement for those of you struggling with whatever it is that burdens you, it is to get rid of all the stuff that was a part of your life when you were at your lowest. Without the constant reminder in your face every day, such as a pair of jeans I will never fit into and be healthy, the easier it is to heal and move on.
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