Whirlwind of a Life

Well friends, it has been way too long since I've written. I've missed it. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. A whole lot. I student taught for 12 weeks, 6 weeks in 3rd grade and six weeks in 1st. Up until student teaching, I hadn't loved my teaching experiences so I was worried that student teaching would turn me away from teaching completely. However, I couldn't have been more wrong. I fell in LOVE with the 3rd graders I taught, enjoyed teaching them more than I ever thought possible. I became confident that teaching was my calling during my time spent with them. I can't accredit all of my enjoyment from the students however, God blessed me with a wonderful mentor teacher. She showed me how fun teaching can be and how to balance fun and discipline. When I switched to 1st grade, I wasn't thrilled to leave my 3rd graders and immediately knew that the younger ones were not my calling. However, I was again blessed with a wonderful teacher that taught me so much. I learned how to communicate with the kids and ended up enjoying them too.

During student teaching, TCU hosted an interview day. I had 10 interviews that day, but was really only interested in the one with White Settlement ISD. I interviewed with one of the elementary principals in White Settlement and got a great vibe from him. I knew that I wanted to work for him immediately after the interview. I kept emailing him asking for updates on job postings and eventually got an unexpected interview. I say unexpected because it was a staff development day and he called to ask if I could come interview. "ABSOLUTELY," I said, but I wasn't expecting an interview so in my mind all I can think about is that this isn't the way I planned it. As I'm driving over to the interview I called both my parents to tell them the good news, but more so for moral support. NEITHER OF THEM WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE! Thank goodness for Owen who picked up the phone and talked me down from my nerves and encouraged me that it was okay that I was going to my first interview in blue jeans, which was totally not the way I planned it. My interview lasted two hours and I got a tour of the school, and I left with a really great feeling. A few weeks later, I got the job teaching 3rd grade, the grade I wanted! I was thrilled, and still couldn't be more excited. I didn't have to put too much work or worry into my job search. God pretty much just handed me the opportunity and let me know it was His plan for me. I have such a feeling of peace.

After all of this, student teaching ended, I graduated (Suma Cum Laude), and am now enjoying my summer. I have met so many wonderful people over the past few months and have enjoyed some great times with both new and old friends. I should be completely happy, and emotionally I AM. But, for the past week my body hasn't been happy. I don't know why. I would usually chuck it up to stress but I have nothing to be stressed about. I woke up the other morning and my sacrum was all but screaming at me. My lower back was holding so much tension and I couldn't explain why. Then I woke myself up several times last night grinding my jaw. This led to a full day of a sore and tight jaw. Yoga helped my back but my jaw is still full of tension. I can't figure out why. I've been racking my brain. I'm not unhappy, I have a great group of friends, I'm off for another two months, and I laugh all the time. Perhaps, I need to do some 'soul' searching, if you will, really look into my heart and my head to try to figure out what's going on OR perhaps all the stress from school is finally trying to leave my body now that I am so happy. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

A few years ago I would have never pictured myself to be in this place in life and being so happy with everything. So maybe I'm creating this tension in an attempt to self destruct, meaning that I am human and rather than just accepting my happiness, I am planning for the moment when the good things end and struggle begins. That's the way life goes, right? Well, I say forget that. I need to indulge in my happiness to the fullest and not worry about later. I'm choosing to live in the now, taking each day at a time.

It's my choice. I want to be happy. I'm going to let myself be happy.
You should do the same.

How Things Have Changed

Haven't had the time to write in a while. I've been busy with life. Life has changed a lot in the past few weeks. I've changed in the last few weeks. I feel more like a teacher now. I feel more confident in my career choice, my capabilities, and my upcoming potential to get a job after graduation. But along with my new found confidence, have come a lot of trials. Some have been bad, like today. Bad enough that I drive home, park in the garage, and put my head down on my steering wheel and cry. Cry because I'm frustrated, cry because I've done everything they taught me about behavior management, and cry because it didn't work. My brain tells me, "Every teacher has bad days" and "Some kids will give you problems no matter how many years you teach." But my pride says, "You did awful today," "You did nothing right," "You're doing everything you said you would never do." And so it's an internal battle.

However, this battle going on inside me today isn't all bad, and neither is the fact that I have been too busy to really focus on anything else in life other than student teaching and working. I find that the exhaustion and constant business that have become a natural part of my life are much easier for me than the pauses. Why? The pauses allow me to think. Think about the fact that in someone's life I have been replaced. I am not of concern or daily thought. It doesn't bother me when I'm busy, but when life stands still, I get sad. Not sad because I want it the way it used to be, because obviously that didn't work. Sad because what once was mine isn't anymore. But, there is nothing I can actually do except get over it. Life changes, people change, change is inevitable. And I'm encouraged. I am surrounded daily by 22 third graders that love me and that I love in return. Yet, when life slows down I can't help but think about who I have been replaced by and the ways in which we differ. The places in which I lack. Because as I have said before, I tend to compare myself with everyone. Most of all, I am plagued by thoughts that I don't have people to fill the empty spaces in my life in a way that I am accustomed.

Yes, I know that time will come. I know I already have people in my life willing to fill any empty spaces that I still feel, but I have to accept that they will fill them differently than they once were. I will learn to love the feelings that they give me. But right now, I just don't feel like what I do is of any interest to those around me, unless you are one of my 22 third graders of course. And I suppose that is okay. But that is also something I need to learn to accept. I need to find the value in my life and just be happy that I am happy and deeply care about my students and that even though their reciprocal love is all that I have currently, I am blessed. I am so blessed to have these children that love me so much. Regardless of how much they challenge me on days like today. I'm important to them even if I don't feel important to anyone else. And that is something I am grateful for today.

New Year, New Me: Intentions for 2013

As I am sitting in yoga yesterday, my teacher begins telling us about how for the year 2012 she set twelve intentions. I liked this idea, so I am stealing it. However, it is 2013 so I will set thirteen intentions. Some will be easy for me to follow through with, but having the constant reminder of the mindset with which I want to accomplish these things is the reason they will be on the list. Other intentions will be difficult to follow through with regardless of the attitude with which I come at them. Knowing that they are there however will be a constant reminder of realizing the constant change within my life and the fact that change is not immediate but the work to get to the finish should be acknowledged as well.

So enough with the banter of explaining my mission in this blog, here goes

1.) I will enjoy each and every day leading up to graduation, rather than simply crossing off days on my calendar until the journey is over.

2.) I will continue to work on becoming more social and outgoing, ignoring the negative voices in my head that discourage my efforts.

3.) I will work to extend the love and forgiveness toward myself that I do to others, meaning accepting my imperfections as something that cannot be changed in one day and looking at my mistakes as learning experiences.

4.) I will work to leave complaints behind, rather than complaining about all things that I dislike I will find joy in those experiences.

5.) I will write more because writing helps me organize my thoughts and display them when I cannot bring myself to voice them.

6.) I will speak the truth, even when my voice shakes. I am tired of agreeing to avoid confrontation. My feelings and opinions matter.

7.) I will embark in the new phase in my life (post graduation) with confidence and an open mind. And I will not be discouraged by the rumored exhaustion and struggles that come to first year teachers.

8.) I will work to build strength rather than relying on my flexibility, both physically and emotionally, because one without the other is weakness.

9.) I will strive to stop allowing the number on the scale determine how I value myself.

10.) I will do my part in growing the close relationships that I have rather than allowing the responsibility to fall on the other person for the sole purpose that "I am busy."

11.) I will step into my new life as an "adult" (with a real job, real bills, living on my own, and etc.) without taking myself too seriously. No one likes an adult that can't remember what it's like to be a kid.

12.) I will aim to take compliments to heart and believing what is said, rather than denying them or regurgitating the worn out responses of gratitude without truly meaning it.

13.) I will grow closer to MY GOD. I will meet with Him more in prayer, learn more about him through His word, and let His light shine through me so that others can see Him in me.

I feel comfortable publishing these intentions of mine because I know that those who take the time to read this are those that truly have an interest in my life and will help to hold me accountable rather than judging me when I do not meet them. I encourage you all to set at least one intention for this year, not to beat yourself up when you miss the mark but to have something to work towards in good times and bad. An intention will allow you to reflect upon your year and notice the ways in which you have changed. My intentions will be printed out and hung above my mirror so that I can see them every day as not to forget my goals.

Happy New Years Everyone.
Much love.
Katy Jane

Things I Have Learned From My Mom

Most of my blogs up to this point have been on subjects that are harder for me to share, but this one will be quite different. Different because I love my mom. Different because she is my best friend. Different because I am who I am today based greatly on much that I have learned from her.

Though anyone that knew my mom at my age will say that she was everything entirely opposite of who I am, she is now the one that I can relate to most. Her deep southern accent is the butt of a lot of jokes, but she would not be her without it. Her laugh, or chuckle rather, is not able to be imitated. It is irreplaceable and something that I know I will long to hear once she is no longer around. She is the woman that religiously drove me to and from all of my dance classes and was my biggest supporter. When my self esteem is low, she is the one that crushes the nonsense that comes from my mouth. She is the one that showed me what unconditional love is through example. My values and morals have been formed from the exposure to Christ that she provided to me at such an early age. No matter what I do, I know I will never ever lose her love.

Now that I have evoked tears from the eyes of my female readers, I can tell you a few of the things that I have learned from my mom. I hope they give you a good laugh, especially to those who know my incredible mom.

Lesson #1
Music from the 70s is irreplaceable, especially that of the rock genre.
(I have been listening to Lynard Skinnard, Rod Stewart, The Doors, The Doobie Brothers, and etc. since before I could talk. Not only have I listened to it, my mom made sure I listened to it the right way... LOUD. AND my first concert ever was Rod Stewart. Yes I was the youngest attendee and I knew every word to every song.)

Lesson #2
Embarrassment is only a state of mind.
This lesson entails a few examples to reinforce my point.
Ex: Dancing like a fool (aka: doing the robot, dougie, and etc.) in front of others is not embarrassing, it brings laughter to everyone who sees.
Ex: Staring someone down in the store because you think you know them is not embarrassing, it either reunites you with an old friend or makes you a new one.

Lesson #3
Being friendly never hurt anyone, and asking others for help (even complete strangers) saves a lot of time.
(This includes asking old women if they think your daughter looks "cute" in the jeans she has just tried on, asking where a product is even when you butcher the pronunciation, and telling jokes to people you don't know and then laughing so hard they can't help but laugh.)

Lesson #4
Chocolate, candy, and any other type of sweet is acceptable at any time of day, despite what nutritionists may tell you.
(Ice cream is full of calcium, chocolate is good for your heart, and sweets in general make people happier)

Lesson #5
Being a home body is nothing to be ashamed of.
(What is better than sleeping in your own bed, lounging in your most comfortable clothes, and munching on your favorite foods?)

Lesson #6
Talking to animals is totally normal, of course they understand you and love you more for it.

These are but a small sampling of the lessons I have learned from my mom, and yes they are on the funny side. She has also taught me many life lessons that have made me a better person, a good friend, and one day a great mom. I love her more than words can express. I hope that anyone that reads this is fortunate to have met her or will meet her one day.

For now, that's all I have to say. Enjoy, and may your relationships with your parents be blessed and as memorable as mine.

The Ending of a Chapter

It has been quite a while since I have taken the time to sit down and write what's been going on in my head.  So here goes...

Today was my last football game to attend as a student. I enjoyed every second of it. In fact, it is the happiest I have been in a few weeks. My friends were around me to make me smile, my sister was there to experience it with me, the weather was perfect, and the student section was LOUD. It doesn't get much better for me. 

Note however, that I said it is the happiest I have been in weeks. Now I guess the question to ask is why. Why have I been unhappy? One of my friends and my sister can tell you the kind of texts I send them from time to time. They include "I give up" "I'm obviously not good enough"  "What is wrong with me?" and etc. Every time I feel like I've caught a break, it ends up not working out. 

Anyone else remember that song by Cheap Trick, I Want You to Want Me? Yes, I know... a bit of a stupid song, but I feel as though I have been feeling the way the lyrics of the chorus describe: wanting to be wanted, needing to be needed, loving to be loved. When I sat down to write this post, I had to force myself to really figure out what has been causing my sadness. And I think I may have pinned it down. I do not feel wanted by anyone, meaning yes I know I have friends, but I don't feel as though there is anyone that misses me on a daily basis or wants to see me on a daily basis. Meaning I do not feel as though I am making a difference in the life of anyone. Quite frankly, I don't feel as if I am of significance to anyone that I am not related to or that is above the age of 6. 

What have I done to deal with my sadness? Well, complain to my poor sister for one thing, and she has been nothing but gracious when hearing my complaints. Also, I am really, really good at acting like I am fine. Save for my sister and a close friend, everyone else thinks I am fine. Why? Because I tell them I am fine. I tell them life is great, school keeps me busy, and I work out in my free time. Truth is, I don't have anything to complain about in my life, school is winding down and Christmas break is around the corner. This is a bit saddening for me because I know I won't be on campus as often next semester due to student teaching... so perhaps this contributes to how I feel. But honestly, I can deal with it. Working out always makes me feel better.... which may explain why I have run 15 miles in the past three days. But, I have not been alone in a very long time. I have not learned to love myself for just being me. I gauge my happiness based on the amount of texts I get in a day or the number of invites I get for weekend plans, which I can humbly say are few. So I will say that as petty as it is, my popularity has defined my happiness, rather than how I feel about myself. So I will admit that I am down. Maybe it just takes some getting used to, I don't know. But what I do know is that the attachment I have to my phone is something I am going to work on. If I wasn't checking it every five minutes I could enjoy life and not be upset by the texts that aren't there. I am on a search to define me. And that I will do. No matter what it takes, I will be okay with being on my own, as I step into a new phase of my life. 

i might be losing my mind

I have been dealing with a great amount of grief, guilt, pain, loneliness, and sorrow this week. I feel like crying every time I am not around people. Though this has been very tough, I have been so touched by the amount of support people have extended. Friends from school have been so kind. They haven't cringed when they see my tears, but rather offer kindness and words of encouragement. My mom and my sister have been there every time I call or text to listen to me cry, doubt, complain, or when I just feel alone. Even people that I had no idea cared or those that I haven't heard from in a while extended compassion. Though my decision that has caused me so much pain may not be a choice that people understand nor agree with, everyone has been so wonderful. I don't know that I would've made it through this week without those who have showed they care.

I am someone who can easily fall into depression. I have to keep myself busy so that I don't sit around and think about what is upsetting me. When I am upset, I am never hungry. This is a dangerous thing for a recovered anorexic because when I'm not hungry I don't eat and when I don't eat I lose weight, which brings feelings of satisfaction for the anorexic tendencies that still vacate places in my mind. Needless to say, I have been running myself into exhaustion just to keep my emotions in check. To be honest, this week has been hard and has sucked. So why have I done this to myself? I feel like I have lost my sanity. Why would I made a decision that has brought about so many negative feelings? I'm freaking out. I know that this decision was the right one for me, but it is hard to remember when I am so sad. I wasn't ready for the future in which I was headed, no matter how hard I tried to be or wanted to be. And yes, I feel like a terrible person for it, but I am just not ready to be where my past circumstance was leading me.

The words I'm sorry feel like a pathetic, meaningless way to try to make up for the decision I made. Especially when the one I hurt is the most wonderful person I could ever know. Perhaps, its that I am not worthy of such a wonderful person. Or maybe, it is God telling me that there will be a time for that again but it isn't now. I'm scared. I want to fix it. But I can't. Only God can heal me, and the one I've hurt so much. The verse Psalm 119:50 has been a great comfort to me. It says, My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

Yoga has reminded me to breath even when it hurts the worst. Running has helped me sweat out my tears, AND I RUN UNTIL I DON'T FEEL LIKE CRYING ANYMORE. I know healing takes time and that it is hard to be patient in the beginning but I believe that God will heal me in time. Tears will turn into smiles. Eventually.

And, my biggest reason for writing this post is to say THANK YOU. Thank you so much to my friends that have tried to keep me from being alone. Thank you to those that took a minute out of your day to think of me even if we haven't talked in a while. Thank you to those that were kind when they had no reason to be. I love you all and honestly think I would be in the sunken hole of depression into which I so easily fall if it weren't for all of you.

Long Time Coming

Well, I've been slacking on blogging the past few weeks. However, with the upcoming week ahead of me, there is much I have to say. For those that aren't aware, Monday marks my last first day as a student. Sure once I graduate in May as a teacher I will have dozens more first days of school, but never again as a student. Excited? Yes. Scared? Yes, well more like flipping out. This fall semester will consist of me taking 19 hours, in other words.... I am going to be a zombie for almost 5 months. But, it is my last semester of classes so I know I can do it. When spring rolls around, I will be student teaching. Two words sum up my feelings for student teaching... What? Already? Yes. I am soon to be responsible for educating young minds, don't worry my panic attack is only mild right now.

Anyway, one of my yoga teachers has been stressing the fact that we as humans tend to go numb. We do this in different areas of our life. We go numb to shut out feelings, whether they be joy (because we think we don't deserve it), fear, anger, sadness, or stress. This is a learned thing for people in society. The mentality, "If I don't let myself feel it, it isn't a problem. It will go away." WRONG. Let me bear witness that I have been numbing myself toward several areas of my life because I didn't (and still don't completely) want to deal with the emotions that coincide with thinking about such areas. I won't bore you with all numb areas I have been dealing with, but I will give an example.

As I said before, I am excited about being a senior in college and finally making it to the end of a big chapter in my life. However, I'm scared to death. After I graduate I have to get a job, start paying all my bills, find my own place to live, become an adult. I know that this is a natural process in life that everyone goes through, and it is not that I think that I can't do it, because I can. But, it is sad. My mom is my best friend, I love being at home with my family. I enjoy cooking dinner for them on weekends and sleeping across the hall from my sister. Not to say once I graduate that I can't do all this from time to time, but it will be different. I am not a fan of change and when change approaches, it takes me a while to finally accept it.

So, I subconciously made the decision not to think about any of it. When people would ask if I am excited about graduating, I would say yes and change subjects. I didn't want to talk about it. Thanks to my yoga teacher confronting the class week after week about feeling and searching for the areas in our lives that we have numbed, it finally hit me. I'm in denial about the new chapter that is upcoming in my life. When I got in my car after class this past week, I let myself feel all the emotions that I have been swallowing for so long. And, I cried. I cried for a good ten minutes. And I felt better. When I went to bed last night, I cried some more. But, I cried because I needed to. Not because I am weak as I have let myself believe most of my life and not because I am sad about the exciting year I have ahead. But because when I was finally willing to choke up the emotions I was numbing myself to, they needed to come out. So, cry I did. And I'm not the least bit ashamed for telling you that I did, and probably will again.

Not only did facing what I needed to in my life make me feel better emotionally, but physically I felt better as well. I have had a dagger-like pain in my back underneath one of my shoulder blade for weeks. I stretched it in yoga, got a massage, ran mile after mile to loosen it up, and took days off to allow it to relax. Didn't matter what I did, the pain wouldn't go away. Ironically, as soon as I let myself cry and feel, that pain went away. I feel it was God's way of telling me to meet him in prayer, trust Him, and know that I had to live my life truthfully rather than hiding away aspects I wasn't ready to deal with.

I am in no way perfect and far from being at piece with every area in my life, but I wanted to share this with you in hopes that if you read this and are having some places in your life that you just choose not to feel that you would WAKE UP those emotions and face them. Cry if you have to, Scream if you need to, do whatever it is to let those emotions be felt so that you can begin to feel better. I share personal things in complete humility, knowing that I do not know everything (or anything even close to everything) but because I hope to influence others positively the way I have been blessed to be.