Haven't had the time to write in a while. I've been busy with life. Life has changed a lot in the past few weeks. I've changed in the last few weeks. I feel more like a teacher now. I feel more confident in my career choice, my capabilities, and my upcoming potential to get a job after graduation. But along with my new found confidence, have come a lot of trials. Some have been bad, like today. Bad enough that I drive home, park in the garage, and put my head down on my steering wheel and cry. Cry because I'm frustrated, cry because I've done everything they taught me about behavior management, and cry because it didn't work. My brain tells me, "Every teacher has bad days" and "Some kids will give you problems no matter how many years you teach." But my pride says, "You did awful today," "You did nothing right," "You're doing everything you said you would never do." And so it's an internal battle.
However, this battle going on inside me today isn't all bad, and neither is the fact that I have been too busy to really focus on anything else in life other than student teaching and working. I find that the exhaustion and constant business that have become a natural part of my life are much easier for me than the pauses. Why? The pauses allow me to think. Think about the fact that in someone's life I have been replaced. I am not of concern or daily thought. It doesn't bother me when I'm busy, but when life stands still, I get sad. Not sad because I want it the way it used to be, because obviously that didn't work. Sad because what once was mine isn't anymore. But, there is nothing I can actually do except get over it. Life changes, people change, change is inevitable. And I'm encouraged. I am surrounded daily by 22 third graders that love me and that I love in return. Yet, when life slows down I can't help but think about who I have been replaced by and the ways in which we differ. The places in which I lack. Because as I have said before, I tend to compare myself with everyone. Most of all, I am plagued by thoughts that I don't have people to fill the empty spaces in my life in a way that I am accustomed.
Yes, I know that time will come. I know I already have people in my life willing to fill any empty spaces that I still feel, but I have to accept that they will fill them differently than they once were. I will learn to love the feelings that they give me. But right now, I just don't feel like what I do is of any interest to those around me, unless you are one of my 22 third graders of course. And I suppose that is okay. But that is also something I need to learn to accept. I need to find the value in my life and just be happy that I am happy and deeply care about my students and that even though their reciprocal love is all that I have currently, I am blessed. I am so blessed to have these children that love me so much. Regardless of how much they challenge me on days like today. I'm important to them even if I don't feel important to anyone else. And that is something I am grateful for today.
