Whirlwind of a Life

Well friends, it has been way too long since I've written. I've missed it. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. A whole lot. I student taught for 12 weeks, 6 weeks in 3rd grade and six weeks in 1st. Up until student teaching, I hadn't loved my teaching experiences so I was worried that student teaching would turn me away from teaching completely. However, I couldn't have been more wrong. I fell in LOVE with the 3rd graders I taught, enjoyed teaching them more than I ever thought possible. I became confident that teaching was my calling during my time spent with them. I can't accredit all of my enjoyment from the students however, God blessed me with a wonderful mentor teacher. She showed me how fun teaching can be and how to balance fun and discipline. When I switched to 1st grade, I wasn't thrilled to leave my 3rd graders and immediately knew that the younger ones were not my calling. However, I was again blessed with a wonderful teacher that taught me so much. I learned how to communicate with the kids and ended up enjoying them too.

During student teaching, TCU hosted an interview day. I had 10 interviews that day, but was really only interested in the one with White Settlement ISD. I interviewed with one of the elementary principals in White Settlement and got a great vibe from him. I knew that I wanted to work for him immediately after the interview. I kept emailing him asking for updates on job postings and eventually got an unexpected interview. I say unexpected because it was a staff development day and he called to ask if I could come interview. "ABSOLUTELY," I said, but I wasn't expecting an interview so in my mind all I can think about is that this isn't the way I planned it. As I'm driving over to the interview I called both my parents to tell them the good news, but more so for moral support. NEITHER OF THEM WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE! Thank goodness for Owen who picked up the phone and talked me down from my nerves and encouraged me that it was okay that I was going to my first interview in blue jeans, which was totally not the way I planned it. My interview lasted two hours and I got a tour of the school, and I left with a really great feeling. A few weeks later, I got the job teaching 3rd grade, the grade I wanted! I was thrilled, and still couldn't be more excited. I didn't have to put too much work or worry into my job search. God pretty much just handed me the opportunity and let me know it was His plan for me. I have such a feeling of peace.

After all of this, student teaching ended, I graduated (Suma Cum Laude), and am now enjoying my summer. I have met so many wonderful people over the past few months and have enjoyed some great times with both new and old friends. I should be completely happy, and emotionally I AM. But, for the past week my body hasn't been happy. I don't know why. I would usually chuck it up to stress but I have nothing to be stressed about. I woke up the other morning and my sacrum was all but screaming at me. My lower back was holding so much tension and I couldn't explain why. Then I woke myself up several times last night grinding my jaw. This led to a full day of a sore and tight jaw. Yoga helped my back but my jaw is still full of tension. I can't figure out why. I've been racking my brain. I'm not unhappy, I have a great group of friends, I'm off for another two months, and I laugh all the time. Perhaps, I need to do some 'soul' searching, if you will, really look into my heart and my head to try to figure out what's going on OR perhaps all the stress from school is finally trying to leave my body now that I am so happy. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

A few years ago I would have never pictured myself to be in this place in life and being so happy with everything. So maybe I'm creating this tension in an attempt to self destruct, meaning that I am human and rather than just accepting my happiness, I am planning for the moment when the good things end and struggle begins. That's the way life goes, right? Well, I say forget that. I need to indulge in my happiness to the fullest and not worry about later. I'm choosing to live in the now, taking each day at a time.

It's my choice. I want to be happy. I'm going to let myself be happy.
You should do the same.

How Things Have Changed

Haven't had the time to write in a while. I've been busy with life. Life has changed a lot in the past few weeks. I've changed in the last few weeks. I feel more like a teacher now. I feel more confident in my career choice, my capabilities, and my upcoming potential to get a job after graduation. But along with my new found confidence, have come a lot of trials. Some have been bad, like today. Bad enough that I drive home, park in the garage, and put my head down on my steering wheel and cry. Cry because I'm frustrated, cry because I've done everything they taught me about behavior management, and cry because it didn't work. My brain tells me, "Every teacher has bad days" and "Some kids will give you problems no matter how many years you teach." But my pride says, "You did awful today," "You did nothing right," "You're doing everything you said you would never do." And so it's an internal battle.

However, this battle going on inside me today isn't all bad, and neither is the fact that I have been too busy to really focus on anything else in life other than student teaching and working. I find that the exhaustion and constant business that have become a natural part of my life are much easier for me than the pauses. Why? The pauses allow me to think. Think about the fact that in someone's life I have been replaced. I am not of concern or daily thought. It doesn't bother me when I'm busy, but when life stands still, I get sad. Not sad because I want it the way it used to be, because obviously that didn't work. Sad because what once was mine isn't anymore. But, there is nothing I can actually do except get over it. Life changes, people change, change is inevitable. And I'm encouraged. I am surrounded daily by 22 third graders that love me and that I love in return. Yet, when life slows down I can't help but think about who I have been replaced by and the ways in which we differ. The places in which I lack. Because as I have said before, I tend to compare myself with everyone. Most of all, I am plagued by thoughts that I don't have people to fill the empty spaces in my life in a way that I am accustomed.

Yes, I know that time will come. I know I already have people in my life willing to fill any empty spaces that I still feel, but I have to accept that they will fill them differently than they once were. I will learn to love the feelings that they give me. But right now, I just don't feel like what I do is of any interest to those around me, unless you are one of my 22 third graders of course. And I suppose that is okay. But that is also something I need to learn to accept. I need to find the value in my life and just be happy that I am happy and deeply care about my students and that even though their reciprocal love is all that I have currently, I am blessed. I am so blessed to have these children that love me so much. Regardless of how much they challenge me on days like today. I'm important to them even if I don't feel important to anyone else. And that is something I am grateful for today.

New Year, New Me: Intentions for 2013

As I am sitting in yoga yesterday, my teacher begins telling us about how for the year 2012 she set twelve intentions. I liked this idea, so I am stealing it. However, it is 2013 so I will set thirteen intentions. Some will be easy for me to follow through with, but having the constant reminder of the mindset with which I want to accomplish these things is the reason they will be on the list. Other intentions will be difficult to follow through with regardless of the attitude with which I come at them. Knowing that they are there however will be a constant reminder of realizing the constant change within my life and the fact that change is not immediate but the work to get to the finish should be acknowledged as well.

So enough with the banter of explaining my mission in this blog, here goes

1.) I will enjoy each and every day leading up to graduation, rather than simply crossing off days on my calendar until the journey is over.

2.) I will continue to work on becoming more social and outgoing, ignoring the negative voices in my head that discourage my efforts.

3.) I will work to extend the love and forgiveness toward myself that I do to others, meaning accepting my imperfections as something that cannot be changed in one day and looking at my mistakes as learning experiences.

4.) I will work to leave complaints behind, rather than complaining about all things that I dislike I will find joy in those experiences.

5.) I will write more because writing helps me organize my thoughts and display them when I cannot bring myself to voice them.

6.) I will speak the truth, even when my voice shakes. I am tired of agreeing to avoid confrontation. My feelings and opinions matter.

7.) I will embark in the new phase in my life (post graduation) with confidence and an open mind. And I will not be discouraged by the rumored exhaustion and struggles that come to first year teachers.

8.) I will work to build strength rather than relying on my flexibility, both physically and emotionally, because one without the other is weakness.

9.) I will strive to stop allowing the number on the scale determine how I value myself.

10.) I will do my part in growing the close relationships that I have rather than allowing the responsibility to fall on the other person for the sole purpose that "I am busy."

11.) I will step into my new life as an "adult" (with a real job, real bills, living on my own, and etc.) without taking myself too seriously. No one likes an adult that can't remember what it's like to be a kid.

12.) I will aim to take compliments to heart and believing what is said, rather than denying them or regurgitating the worn out responses of gratitude without truly meaning it.

13.) I will grow closer to MY GOD. I will meet with Him more in prayer, learn more about him through His word, and let His light shine through me so that others can see Him in me.

I feel comfortable publishing these intentions of mine because I know that those who take the time to read this are those that truly have an interest in my life and will help to hold me accountable rather than judging me when I do not meet them. I encourage you all to set at least one intention for this year, not to beat yourself up when you miss the mark but to have something to work towards in good times and bad. An intention will allow you to reflect upon your year and notice the ways in which you have changed. My intentions will be printed out and hung above my mirror so that I can see them every day as not to forget my goals.

Happy New Years Everyone.
Much love.
Katy Jane